


Apology

by yamashta



Category: sweet pool
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Loss, M/M, Memories, Rating: PG13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 21:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2166414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamashta/pseuds/yamashta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto reflects on the events  before, during and after his suicide attempt and apologizes to Youji for his rudeness in the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Apology

It's been a while since everything happened. Zenya's gone. Youji's gone. It's weird, it's almost like they didn't exist. People just don't talk about it. I remember them vividly and yet at the same time it seems far away. Like it's fading- or at least trying to. The whole ordeal was pretty traumatic, though, so I don't really blame my brain for wanting to erase it. I can't let it go, though. I never got to say goodbye to Youji. Zenya... he creeped me out- he creeped everyone out, but the way he went is just not a good way to go.  
They found him in the school, covered in minor injuries and one enormous gash in his stomach. Apparently his guts were spilling out and he was holding them. I think the term is rigor mortis but supposedly it looked like he'd been cradling his intestines in his arms like a baby or something. It's morbid, I know, but I'm not entirely surprised he was found dead doing something so weird.  
Youji... I miss him. A lot. I miss his voice- it was soft and sweet sounding. Tired. Alone, but... nice to hear, all the same. Even with the way he treated me at times. He didn't mean it. He just didn't know how else to talk to me. I was pretty hard to handle. I look back now and just thinking about it embarrasses me. I was all over him- like a fly. I wouldn't leave him alone. No wonder he wanted to distance himself from me at times. I don't blame him, I would've done the same.  
I was amazed he even bothered to visit me in the hospital after the situation I'd put him in. I could have killed him- I think I may have had that intention, it's kind of a blur. Nearly killing yourself with pills can do that. Fuck up your brain a bit. I have a hard time remembering certain things. Faces. Voices. I can remember Youji's, though. Vibrantly. Sometimes I say his name out loud just to help remind me that he did in fact exist.  
We had made plans. Or- kind of, we discussed the possibility of making plans once I got out of the hospital. For Tetsuo, Youji and myself to maybe go out to lunch or just hang out and chill. I was jealous- stupidly jealous, and ultimately it screwed a lot of things up and started up a lot of drama. We never got to do that.  
By the time I was released so many things had happened. Okinaga was dead- his dad was too. He was found dead in the school, stabbed to death. Tetsuo had been found in the pool, they suspect he jumped from the roof. Whether he was trying to escape someone or kill himself is still unclear. All I know is Youji is gone. He just... disappeared.  
I've tried talking to Tetsuo. I hoped perhaps we'd be able to befriend each other- I came back to school with a much more open mind after the hospital. It's so strange, though. He acts like he doesn't remember Youji. I'd seen them together so often- I'd seen Tetsuo going to Youji's apartment and Youji staying on the train, presumably to go to Tetsuo's house.  
Tetsuo always looks confused. I want to think he's lying but I don't think he is. It's genuine- he seems like he's struggling to remember something. Youji flicks on lights in his mind but not much more than that. He told me once he thought he saw 'a Youji' at the train station once, after all the drama that went down with the Okinaga murders, but he wasn't sure if it was real or an illusion.  
Either way, no one knows where he went. What happened. I felt intrusive doing it but I even got in touch with his sister. She was pretty broken up about it, she had no idea where he went either. Did he get killed? Did he die? Did he run off or go into hiding? It really is a mystery. Everyone who knew of him barely even blink at the fact that he's been gone. It's almost like he'd never been here, like maybe he was just a ghost or something.  
Honestly it confuses me more than anything. I know he's real. I know he was here. His apartment has been vacant for a couple months now. People stopped trying to find him. Kamiya resigned- I kind of miss him, even if he was a little mean sometimes. So many people dead or missing. It's like a bad dream.  
...God, I miss Youji. So much about him was just... pleasant, you know? He didn't smile very often but when he did it lit up a room. He had such pretty eyes and hair. The few times we'd done sports together he'd trusted me enough to let me hold up his towel while he changed. He was very modest and shy. He trusted me. He didn't trust people.  
He'd let me take his answers and if I had ones I'd give them to him. Neither of us were very good with school. For me I just think I might be stupid. Youji... had other things going on. In his head that kept him pretty distracted. His health was going downhill pretty badly back then. He'd just got back, too. His body had turned on him.  
I hope he might come back some day, if he's out there still. Just to say hi. To let me know he's okay. I do care about him, genuinely. I keep saying I miss him, I keep saying his name. I guess I was kind of gay for him. It feels weird, saying that. I never really noticed anyone else. Girls, kind of- they liked me but never tried to take me places or get me to do things with them. Girls are cute. Youji was... less of a surface feeling, though. It was one of the heart.  
Youji, if you're out there, I just. I want to say I'm sorry. Again. For everything. I can't help but feel like you being gone is my fault.


End file.
